The shipwreck tragedy is being chronicled throughout various forms of media and, despite the variances in some of the information being reported, there seems to be consistency with respect to captain Francesco Schettino’s poor judgment and puzzling actions prior to the calamity, during the crisis and after the rescue efforts had been initiated by the coast guard.

In brief, here’s a summary of what happened according to a report posted online by CBC: the captain of the vessel brought the ship “too close to shore to ‘make a bow’ to people on the island, who included a retired Italian admiral.” Soon after the ship started to take on water, he boarded a lifeboat to “co-ordinate the rescue efforts from ashore.” Finally, during communication with the coast guard, the captain “made excuses and resisted the coast guard officer’s repeated orders for him to “re-board his stricken liner and aid passengers.” According to a more recent report, Schettino’s claim is that he “tripped” into the lifeboat which brought him and a fortunate handful of others to safety on shore.

If this event wasn’t so horrific, you might believe it could be the premise for a disaster movie spoof: a captain grounds a cruise ship because he was showing off in front of his peers, commits the cardinal sin of abandoning ship and then refuses to return to the scene to save his passengers. On one level, this is thoroughly absurd. Yet in actuality, this grave tragedy accentuates the seemingly indefensible behaviour of a fallen leader.

As strange as this may sound, I propose that, in many ways, Schettino was behaving like an adolescent boy. Clearly, the stakes may be considered much higher for a captain of a ship that’s the size of three football fields and holds 4,200 passengers than those for a boy trying to navigate his route through the social and academic challenges presented by his high school experience. But, in theory, Schettino was acting in a manner similar to that of many teenage males.

Unfortunately, over the years, I’ve seen much “Schettino-like” behaviour in the many disciplinary investigations with which I’ve been involved. Most everyone knows that boys make poor decisions when trying to impress onlookers and that when under the influence of their peers, they’ll commit inexplicable acts which often completely contradict their proven character. Furthermore, when confronted with the consequences of their actions, I’ve seen too many boys neglect to take responsibility and instead make excuses for their poor behaviour.

I’d encourage you to have a conversation with your son about how to behave under pressure. In order for him to mature and develop his character, he needs to be able to clearly recognize those factors that will impact his decision-making process so that he can make the right choices during times of stress. He’ll also hopefully understand that, although difficult to do, taking responsibility for mistakes, rather than making excuses, is the true measure of an honourable man.

Thanks for reading,

Scott

According to the article, some Ontario city planners are having a serious look at changing current one-way streets back to routes that can accommodate two-way traffic. Truth be told, I’d never really given this issue much thought. But after reading the story and doing a few cursory Internet searches, I’ve realized that this issue seems to be a bit of a “hot topic” among some urbanites. In addition to the column I read, a December article from the Ottawa Citizen revealed that there’s been some discussion around taking similar action with one-way streets in our nation’s capital.

The chief issues at the heart of the debate for the cities considering changes of this nature seem to be centred on increasing business exposure for merchants along current one-way streets and safety for cyclists and pedestrians who may be in jeopardy due to the speed at which cars can travel without the stoppages associated with two-way traffic. Conversely, supporters of one-way streets speak about the convenience of travel and the benefits of relieved traffic congestion for commuters who drive themselves or for those who take public transit.

While I recognize the advantages to both sides of this argument, from a philosophical point of view I think I’m sitting in the camp of the proponents of the two-way streets. The author of the Dec. 11, 2011 Ottawa Citizen article wrote: “A two-way street is less of a ‘highway sort of a commuter-oriented route’ than a one-way arterial, and is ‘more of a community-oriented route’ where traffic is slower, residents find it easier to cross the road and people are enticed to stay within the area for stores and businesses, rather than passing through.”

The two-way traffic model also has history on its side, according to a Jan. 8, 2012 National Post article which said: “The Romans held their empire together with 80,500 kilometres of paved two-way roads, and when Incan porters carried supplies to Machu Picchu, they often passed llama caravans going the other direction. For the past 100 years, however, we have lived in a peculiar age of one-way streets.”

I realize that there are many complexities involved in an issue like this, but in some respects, I suppose the emergence of one-way streets could be perceived as an early representation of the changing nature of societal priorities over the past century. Much of how we live out our daily existence seems to be driven by our desire for expediency and convenience.

The Internet is often referred to as the “information super highway” and it has, no doubt, helped us connect with far more people than any other previous generation. However, with a developing dependency on technology, I fear that our children may grow up lacking the skills to make meaningful connections and will face challenges when attempting to generate depth to their relationships.

I’d encourage you to challenge your son to assess the quality of his interactions with others. As he embarks on his journey of self-discovery, is he speeding though self-created one-way streets in order to get to his destination as quickly as possible, or, like his ancient ancestors, is he travelling via two-way streets, and fully appreciating all of the social transactions he makes along the way?

Thanks for reading,

Scott

As many do around this time of year, I find myself going through a process of reflecting on areas of my life and setting some targets for improvement. Indeed I have much to think about in this regard (just ask my wife), but in addition to the typical new year’s resolutions like paying closer attention to my health or enhancing some aspect of my professional development, I’ve also been taking some time to think about how I might be a better parent.

As my daughters get older, I’m realizing more and more that I need to adjust my parenting strategies to complement their own personal growth and development. Specifically, I’ve come to recognize that I may need to rethink the balance between being permissive and being restrictive, especially with respect to my eldest child who will soon turn 10.

I read an op-ed piece over the break that highlighted examples of what the writer categorized as overly intrusive and reactive legislation implemented by schools in response to minor playground mishaps or rigid adherence to existing policy. Such examples included a Toronto public school that banned playing with all types of sports balls in its playground after a parent was hit with a soccer ball and a principal in Waterloo who banned hugging as part of the school’s “Keep your hands to yourself” policy.

In addition to pointing out some misguided decisions by school administrators, the author of the article also touted the benefits of allowing kids to monitor their own behaviour to a certain degree. “They say the best lessons kids get [are] when they’re on their own and let themselves alone – they learn self-regulation, which allows them not to be impulsive, not do what you want all the time. That’s what teachers are always begging kids to show a little of,” she said, adding that recess teaches them teamwork, creativity and how to dust themselves off when they fall. (“Year in Ideas: The Risks of Overprotective School Policies,” National Post, Dec. 28, 2011)

Taking risks and learning from failure is a crucial part of growing up and if we as parents operate in the same fashion as the schools cited above, our overly controlling or intrusive behaviour will have a great impact on the natural maturation process for our children.

As loving parents, we all want our children to be safe and hope that they accomplish much success in all that they do. Thus, from this perspective, it may seem a little odd that one would resolve to step back a bit and support their kids more from the sidelines. However, taking this approach doesn’t imply that we need to be less involved. Instead, as our kids get older, we need to think about shifting the point of our involvement. Rather than making decisions for them or directing their behaviour in certain situations, allowing them to take ownership of their social experiences and debriefing the learning from doing so with them afterwards, especially when things don’t turn out the way they planned, is a great way to make meaningful connections and an integral part in the development of character.

Good luck with all of your resolutions.

Wishing you and your family a happy and prosperous new year.

Thanks for reading,

Scott

A similar event occurred this past weekend. We had friends over for dinner and, after our meal, we retired to the living room while our kids took in some holiday programming on TV in the basement. As we were sitting by the fire, our conversation was interrupted by the pitter-patter of little feet making their way upstairs. When asked what had troubled him, our five-year-old guest quietly conveyed that the Grinch had scared him. Again, it wasn’t the look of the monstrous creature that had thrown him, it was how the Grinch had deceived little Cindy Lou Who and all those Whos down in Who-ville.

I took my daughters to a local outdoor skating rink this past weekend. I wasn’t able to join the girls on the ice, but as they were doing laps around the surface I noticed that they were gesturing to one another each time they crossed paths. I had difficulty figuring out exactly what was happening and approached my youngest about what was going on. According to her, through her signals, she was letting her sister know how many times she’d been lapped. Interestingly, when I stopped my eldest daughter and asked her what she was doing, she had a different perception of what was being counted. She stated that through her actions, she was letting her sister know how many times she’d fallen while speeding around the rink.

Ahhh, sibling rivalry at its best … But what struck me about this particular competition is that neither of them were using the same criteria for success. Indeed, what each of them chose to focus on was a clear manifestation of their respective personalities. My eldest is cautious and careful in her approach to all that she does. For her, not making a mistake (in this case not falling down) was the greatest measure of success. In contrast, my little one is a risk taker and often wants to complete tasks as quickly and efficiently as she can. For her, success was defined by how fast she could go and by how many times she managed to pass her elder sister.

Parenting experts often write about the importance of identity and self-esteem. I read an article on this topic recently and, in it, there were a number of tips identified as ways to strengthen and support a healthy sense of self-esteem in our kids. The conclusion of the article provided some sound advice: “Parents can play an important role in strengthening children’s self-esteem by treating them respectfully, taking their views and opinions seriously, and expressing appreciation to them.” (“How Can We Strengthen our Children’s Self Esteem?” by Lilian Katz,www.kidsource.com).

As my girls were taking their skates off and we were getting ready to leave, I was asked the question I’d been dreading: “Daddy, who do you think is a better skater?” When faced with a dilemma like this, I usually try to employ the tried and true parenting strategy of ignoring the question and switching topics, but unfortunately that didn’t work; a testament to the fact that my daughters are getting older. But confronting that question allowed me to speak to my kids about how each person is unique and has his or her individual way of approaching the way they do things. I also managed to take the opportunity to convey that there are different ways of measuring success for some tasks. My girls conceded that each of them had different talents and that each of them, in their own way, had won.

As we walked away from the rink, I think the three of us were walking a little taller, self-esteem intact. My youngest felt she was the fastest, my eldest felt she was the steadiest and for a moment, a very brief moment, I felt wiser. We all need to celebrate victories, regardless of how small they might be.

Thanks for reading.

Scott

This notion of perspective as a gift has stuck with me over the years and was proven true once again this past week.

We’ve started some renovations in our home and, as part of that process, my seven- and nine-year-old daughters have had to move into one room. The first couple of days of having to deal with these changes in lifestyle were somewhat exciting. Both of my girls seemed thrilled when we moved the younger one’s bed into her older sister’s room, and it was really heartwarming to wake up and see them nestled together in a comforting embrace.

Now that a week has passed, I can confidently say that the novelty of this new sleeping arrangement has worn off. I’m likely dating myself with this reference, but I think that my girls are going to end up painting a line down the middle of their shared room, just like Potsie and Richie did on an episode of Happy Days when they moved into their first apartment. Our days in the Cowie household now seem anything but happy at times. Don’t even get me started on the woes of sharing one basement bathroom between four people.

Having begun to feel a bit sorry for myself, I was jilted out of that state by our speaker at assembly this past Monday morning. Cheryl Perera spoke to our boys about her work in starting OneChild, a charitable organization that rescues and supports children involved in the sex trade industry in places like Thailand and Indonesia. Her presentation was extremely difficult to watch at times, especially when she showed brief video footage of a session of “cry therapy” where rescued children and teens were brought to a safe space and filmed in utter agony while they attempted to confront the process of their victimization.

Viewing those beautiful children in that state of suffering was heartbreaking and very clearly helped me place my petty frustrations in perspective. How could my concerns about having to share a single bathroom with three others compare to the torture and misery of those abused children who had thankfully been saved by OneChild? Fortunately, Perera’s presentation wasn’t all disheartening. After informing her audience of the horrors of the child sex trade industry, she shared stories of victory and reclamation, and encouraged our boys to get involved with compassionate causes through which they can make a difference in the lives of the needy.

Perspective is indeed a gift, but we need to be sure that we don’t misuse it as an excuse to neglect matters that require our attention. Clearly, your sons shouldn’t ignore studying for a test because, in relative terms, a task like that may be considered to have limited meaning. But when we’re inconvenienced, or things don’t end up the way we planned or hoped for, we need to make sure that we evaluate the significance of our disappointments.

Over this weekend, I’d encourage you to take some time to speak to your son about Monday’s assembly, about being other-minded and about the power of perspective.

Thanks for reading,

Scott

As a recovering English teacher, part of my personal Remembrance Day ritual involves reading through some war-themed poetry. One of the poems in this vein of which I’m particularly fond is Ted Hughes’ Platform One. While it would not necessarily be classified as a Remembrance Day poem, its ironic message holds much truth for all of us who, throughout the hectic pace of our lives, often neglect to take time to reflect on matters of true import.

Through the poem, Hughes effectively channels our attention from the crowded queues of Paddington Station in chaotic London and directs us to a solitary figure: a statue of a soldier commemorating the lives of the Great Western Railway employees who died during the two World Wars. As the poem concludes, Hughes describes the bronzed soldier as being so engrossed in his act of remembering his fallen comrades that he is incapable of acknowledging the subway patrons who are scurrying around to make it to their vacation destinations on Cornwall’s south shore. Here’s the last stanza of the poem:

Sunk in his bronze world he stands, enchanted.
His bronze mind is deep among the dead.
Sunk so deep among the dead that, much
As he would like to remember us all, he cannot.

Like the Tube patrons of Hughes’ poem, I wonder how often we take time to reflect on heroes of the past and the qualities of those who are deemed worthy of such recognition. Perhaps why I like Remembrance Day so much is that for a short period of time, all of us deliberately stop and show our gratitude for men and women who were committed to helping others, exercised their courage and responded whole-heartedly to a call to action – characteristics I think we would all agree are praiseworthy.

As time goes by and we get further away from the war years, I suspect that our collective understanding of the significance of the sacrifice made by those who served wanes more and more. As such, I wonder about the depth of our kids’ understanding of the meaning of Remembrance Day.

To help gain back some perspective, I’d encourage you to ask your son to identify one of his heroes. I would wager that he might cite the name of a sports star, a musician, an actor or some other media personality. And while some noted celebrities have no doubt done some great work for charities and other laudable causes, I would hope that our children manage to distinguish between admiring someone for their physical talents and honouring them for their character.

By taking the time to remember the men and women who helped shape not only our history, but that of the world’s, we will be better able to influence what should be valued in our present culture and better able to clearly identify the heroes of our future.

I wish you a reflective, enjoyable long weekend.

Thanks for reading,
Scott